11 years of motherhood...
I'd like to claim it as more though, after all, im a firm believer that a woman becomes a mother when she looks at that pregnancy test and a man becomes a father when he holds his baby for the first time. It was the February after graduating year 12 when you were conceived... Valentine's day to be exact. I thought I was "grown" yet looking back I see an immature, trusting, naive, child. I now can look back and see me the way mum mum saw me.
I couldn't believe it when you made your appearance into this world on your due date! Apparently that only happens to 6% of babies. I remember being a hormonal mess in hospital, we almost lost you. And those 5 days I spent in hospital learning how to care for you were the only calm days I can remember with you. I remember holding you in the parents lounge sobbing to you, promising to do whatever it takes to guard you from the evil in this world. I hope when you're all grown up you'll tell me I did okay.
When only 1 month after having you we were rushed into surgery to save your little life, I was petrified. How could someone so little and helpless be subjected to all that pain, I knew it was all to help you but I just would have done anything to take your place. The doctors fixed your malrotated bowl, removed your appendix and nursed you back to good health. In retrospect I wish I had acted sooner, I knew something was wrong but listened to the "professionals" who told me you had colic.
We moved around a lot while you were young. It wasn't til the year you turned 5 that we really found our home. We had lived in Perth, Sydney, Adelaide, Kojonup, Mandurah and Ellenbrook before we moved to Yanchep. I remember when things first started to get rocky between your father and I. I was convinced that being a family was the best thing for us and we both endured more than we should have. All the yelling, throwing things, the violence, the restraining orders. All the things I wish I could take back. This was obviously part of the journey I needed to go through to be the person I now am... I just wish you hadn't been riding shotgun.
When I met the Reindl man, I was instantly infatuated. We fell in love and moved in quickly, no regrets there. Seeing the amazing guide he was to you made it so easy. Sometimes I still forget he chose both of us, not just me. And it honestly takes my breath away, he was so enthusiastic to teach you, to show you the world, to protect you and to love you. When your biological father disappeared from your life when you were 4, you started calling him daddy and he stepped up to the plate. You would follow him around like a bad smell whenever he was home and on the weekends you were right by his side ready to help him with all the household projects.
Around the age of 8 you got a personality makeover, and in a bad way. The backchat, the arguments, the face pulling, THE STEALING?!?! I remember calling up your grandpa asking for advice because no mater what motivation we laid out, what discipline was given, what extents we would go to we couldn't stop you sneaking junk food from the fridge and pantry. Grandpa said to me "I seem to remember another little girl that was just like that!". Yup you were my karma child. Eventually after 2 long years it died down by itself, realistically I think it was more of an attention thing than anything else.
When your father asked to start having visitation again, I was so mad. How could someone simply walk away from a 4 year old, their own child and then suddenly just "decide" they want you back in their life 5 years later. I was angry at him for you, how could he have abandoned you in the first place. I was angry at him for the Reindl man, after he had invested so much time with you and now he would lose out to this scum? And most of all I was angry at him for me. How dare he think he can just roam in and out when he pleases. How dare he expect me to forgive him, to put my trust in him again and to hand over one of my most prized possessions on earth?
But I did. I knew it was what was right for you. If he could be the father you needed, who was I to keep that from him. Solicitors advice was sought and we spent 6 months in mediation before we came to an agreement. I was scared, he had been out of your life more than he'd been in it, you didn't even know him anymore. It started with letters in the post. Then phone calls. The Skype videos. Day trips with him, next was overnights. Now you see him two nights a week and it scares me shitless, but it probably always will. I promised to protect you, after all, and I can't do that when you aren't with me.
In the past 6 months you have really blossomed into your own identity. You are so kind and helpful, quirky and smart, friendly and generous. Raising you scares me like no tomorrow, cos I have no idea what in the world I'm doing, but we've made it this far so I must be doing something right. I hope when you're a mum that you forgive me for all of the screw ups I've made, that you understand all of the tough decisions over the years and that you are bountiful in all that you deserve.
When your father asked to start having visitation again, I was so mad. How could someone simply walk away from a 4 year old, their own child and then suddenly just "decide" they want you back in their life 5 years later. I was angry at him for you, how could he have abandoned you in the first place. I was angry at him for the Reindl man, after he had invested so much time with you and now he would lose out to this scum? And most of all I was angry at him for me. How dare he think he can just roam in and out when he pleases. How dare he expect me to forgive him, to put my trust in him again and to hand over one of my most prized possessions on earth?
But I did. I knew it was what was right for you. If he could be the father you needed, who was I to keep that from him. Solicitors advice was sought and we spent 6 months in mediation before we came to an agreement. I was scared, he had been out of your life more than he'd been in it, you didn't even know him anymore. It started with letters in the post. Then phone calls. The Skype videos. Day trips with him, next was overnights. Now you see him two nights a week and it scares me shitless, but it probably always will. I promised to protect you, after all, and I can't do that when you aren't with me.
In the past 6 months you have really blossomed into your own identity. You are so kind and helpful, quirky and smart, friendly and generous. Raising you scares me like no tomorrow, cos I have no idea what in the world I'm doing, but we've made it this far so I must be doing something right. I hope when you're a mum that you forgive me for all of the screw ups I've made, that you understand all of the tough decisions over the years and that you are bountiful in all that you deserve.
I love you Alexandra Dawn xx
